My Heart Is Hurting. And I’m Only Just Noticing

When I realized my heart has been hurting all along, I just didn’t know it

For the past few weeks, especially since Valentine’s Day, I’ve been sitting with a strange question: why can’t I feel positive emotions in my body?

When someone asks me what joy feels like, or what love feels like physically, I go blank. I have a sense of where it might come from. But I can’t feel anything there. Maybe the sensations are too subtle and I’m not tuned in yet. Maybe my negative emotions are so loud they drown everything else out. Or maybe it’s something I haven’t figured out yet.

On Valentine’s Day, I went to a heart chakra dance workshop guided by my friend Barbara. Everyone shared what love feels like for them, in their own words, in their own bodies. And I had nothing. Because honestly? I don’t know what love is. I can’t relate to the word. And the biggest thing for me right now is that I can’t feel it in my body, that expansive feeling in the chest that people talk about. I keep trying. I keep thinking about it, reaching for it. And I come up empty.

But since then, a few things have shown up, somatic experiences and vivid dreams, and they’ve all been pointing to the same thing: for me, right now, love hurts. My heart hurts. It’s longing for care, for love, for being seen. What I feel there is tightness. Contraction. Like my heart is bracing. And when those sensations come up, my instinct is to make them stop.

Big breath.

No wonder I can’t feel my heart, at least not in a warm, expansive way. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing something: maybe I have been feeling my heart. Just not in the way people usually talk about. My heart is in pain. It’s been hurt. A lot.

I still don’t have answers to all the questions I’m carrying. And that’s okay. For now, something is moving. I’m becoming more aware of this aching heart of mine, and I’m learning that when those painful sensations show up, I need to meet them with care and gentleness. To soothe my heart. To tell it: you’re safe now.

I didn’t realize how much I’d been carrying. It’s striking, how much we can hide, even from ourselves. How much we can pretend, survive, get through the day, without knowing how deep the pain goes. Of course we protect ourselves. I’m grateful my system did what it had to do. And now, slowly, I’m uncovering more.

I hope I’ll be able to feel love in my body one day, that warm, expansive feeling people describe. It sounds beautiful. I’m longing for it.

I never expected to be writing about love this much. I never thought about it much before. And now here I am, newly aware of something I barely understand. Stay tuned, there’s more coming on this topic I hope.

What about you? What does love feel like in your body? I genuinely want to know.

And if you’re reading this with a heart that’s hurting too, you’re not alone. Your heart is waiting to be cared for. Loved. Nurtured. It deserves that. And so do you.

🌱 If you’ve been struggling with your mental and emotional health, you’re not alone. I’m currently offering counselling sessions as a student counsellor, and I’d be honoured to support you on your path. Reach out anytime 🙂 Contact me

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