Money Trauma Is Real… Pennies Are Scary

I rarely write about money. It’s a real big trauma of mine, and I just don’t know how to write about it without looking like I’m a victim or a failure. In the end, I was always able to pay my bills, I only had a small debt once in my life, and I now have a little bit of savings. Yet somehow, money is a real trigger. I want to write about it, but it feels like I shouldn’t.

So here I am, writing about it anyway.

A few months ago, I was watching one of those comedian shows, and he was joking about his wife freaking out over pennies if they kept the lights on too long. My friend who was watching with me and I looked at each other immediately. We both knew that pattern. I also freak out over the lights and pennies, and I knew exactly what he was talking about.

It’s funny. And it’s actually not funny at all.

Last Saturday, I rode my bike downtown to meet some friends, knowing I’d take the Skytrain back because it’s a 50-minute ride each way and I’m no bike warrior. 😄 When I was about to leave to catch the train, I reached for my pass, and realized I had forgotten it at home.

And that’s when my mind turned on.

No pass means paying with my credit card. Which costs more. How much more exactly? I don’t know. Maybe a dollar. Maximum a dollar. Hopefully less.

The anxiety showed up immediately. That tight, familiar feeling.

As I’m writing this, three days later, I still feel a little knot about it. I ended up paying $3.35 instead of $2.70 with my pass. I was hoping it would be closer to $3.00. But no. $3.35. I could have saved $0.65.

Sixty-five cents. And I’m still thinking about it three days later.

The thought of riding my bike all the way back home just to avoid that extra fee actually crossed my mind. But I knew this was part of my work. Feel the discomfort. Reassure my nervous system that I’m okay. Let it go. Again.

I told my friend right before I left, and we both laughed about it, because we both knew what it meant. It’s part of the work. But I could still feel how much stress those 65 cents were giving me.

Pennies are scary. I know it sounds ridiculous. But if you’ve ever felt this way, you know it’s not.

And here’s the thing, this doesn’t come from nowhere. If it’s happening to you, you must have a story as well.

I grew up in France, and from a young age I absorbed the message that at the end of the month, there’s no money left. I was shown the household bookkeeping, I could see it right there in the numbers. I was told to finish my plate, even when I wasn’t hungry, and I was told that some kids don’t even have anything to eat. I never had branded clothes, branded toys, or branded food. I watched my great-grandmother finish every last crumb on her plate. I always had food on my plate, and I’m grateful for that, truly. As an adult, I actually don’t mind not having branded things, I’m even grateful for some of the things I used to hate as a child. 😄 But the message I received, quietly and consistently, was: money is scarce, and you have to be careful.

Those messages don’t stay in your head. They move into your body. And your whole life they show up as a knot in your stomach over $0.65 on a Skytrain ride. And of course in some many other areas.

I’ve done a lot of healing work around money over the years. And there’s clearly still a lot more to do.

If you experience this kind of anxiety around money, you’re not alone. It probably didn’t start with the pennies. It likely started much earlier, in a moment, or a hundred small moments, when you learned that money was something to fear.

I don’t have all the answers. What I do know is that the work, for now, is this: notice the triggers. Notice them in your body. Breathe through them. And remind your nervous system, again and again, that you are okay.

It’s not glamorous. It’s not a quick fix. But it’s something. And some days, that’s enough. 💛

🌱 If you’re struggling with your mental and emotional health, you’re not alone. I’m now offering counselling sessions, and I’d be honoured to support you on your path. Reach out anytime 🙂 Contact me

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