You’re Not Stuck. You’re Just Not Ready Yet

One of the first things we learned during the coaching portion of my counselling diploma were the stages we all go through when change happens. It’s stuck with me ever since, and it makes so much sense. So I wanted to share it with you, because this is one of those things everybody should know about.

First, a question: is there something in your life you’d like to change or get better at, but you’re just not ready to do it yet? I’m sure we all have something! For me, one of the things is physical exercise. I know I need more of it, but honestly, I don’t really want to do it. The truth is, physical pain is what forces me to move. Without the pain, I’d probably do nothing. So… thank you, pain! 😂 I genuinely don’t know why I’m so resistant to exercise. What I do know is that I keep cycling back and forth through these stages.

Let me explain.

Stage 1 – Pre-contemplation This is when someone needs to change something, but isn’t aware of it yet. If I had physical pain and had no idea that exercise could help, I’d be right here.

Stage 2 – Contemplation This is when someone knows something needs to change, but isn’t quite ready to act on it, not even to make a plan. I’m here sometimes with exercise. I’m also very much here when it comes to tidying my home. I just can’t seem to move past it, and I own that almost completely. 😉

Stage 3 – Preparation This is when someone is ready to change and starts building their plan: what needs to happen, when, how, who’s involved… They might use SMART goals. For me, this is when I was ready and decided I would do at least 10–30 minutes of yoga and physio exercises every morning, at least five days a week.

Stage 4 – Action This is when the plan gets put into motion. Things are actually happening. For me, this was when I started showing up for those 10–30 minutes of stretches, five mornings a week.

Stage 5 – Maintenance This is when the new behaviour has become part of your routine, part of your life, without resistance. For me, this would be me still exercising consistently… if I didn’t keep sliding back into stages two or three. 😅

From maintenance, there are two possible paths:

Termination – the person has fully integrated the change and isn’t at risk of falling back. It feels solid and sustainable.

Relapse – this can happen, and that’s okay. The person might slide back to an earlier stage and need something new to get going again. Relapse doesn’t have to mean failure. Life happens. Sometimes a different approach, a different moment, or a different kind of support is what makes it click the next time.

I see myself drifting back to stage two a lot when it comes to exercise. Sigh. I’m still doing daily movement, but I know I need more, and I still can’t quite get myself excited to push further. Not yet.

There’s also a set of tools called motivational interviewing aka MI, a style of questioning you can work through on your own, or with a coach or counsellor, that can help you move from one stage to the next. It’s helped me with exercise, and also with building better systems around housework. Not perfect yet, and that’s okay. For some tasks I used to just procrastinate endlessly with no plan at all. Now I have a system that works for me and doesn’t feel overwhelming.

Knowing about these stages has also helped me have more compassion, for others, and for myself.

It’s easy to wonder why someone isn’t changing when it seems so obvious that they should. But we’re all in different stages of change in different areas of our lives, and we can’t force it, not really. Sometimes it’s about the right time, the right place, the right circumstances. Even motivational interviewing won’t always work, because change isn’t purely cognitive. Sometimes something deeper needs to happen first. Someone might need more empathy. More healing. They might know they need to change, and still be stuck in stage two, because something stronger than their awareness is holding them there. It’s not weakness. It’s just not the right moment yet.

And when I say “they,” I mean me too.

So if you know you need to change something but it’s just not happening, please don’t beat yourself up. It might not be the right time. You might be missing one piece of information, one experience, one shift, something that will eventually move you forward. It’s coming.

🌱 If you’re struggling with your mental and emotional health, you’re not alone. I’m now offering counselling sessions, and I’d be honoured to support you on your path. Reach out anytime 🙂 Contact me