“Let It Go”… Easier Said Than Done
A real-life look at acceptance and emotional softening
I remember people telling me to “let it go” and me being like: But what does that even mean?? How do you do that?
It’s not like you can go to the supermarket, buy a bottle of “Let-It-Go”, drink it, and bam: It’s let go! Done. Next.
No.
“Let it go” is one of those things that is so easy to say, and so hard to make happen experientially. Cognitively, sure, I can understand the concept in 2 seconds. But in the body? In real life? That’s another story.
So here’s my attempt at explaining it in a practical way, not just an inspiring idea.
What letting go is NOT
Letting go does not mean pretending you don’t care, forcing yourself to stop feeling, bypassing an emotion, approving what happened, forgetting, rushing into forgiveness, being spiritually enlightened and unbothered…
Letting go is not something you either “have” or “don’t have”.
It’s a process. A practice. And for many of us, it takes time.
So… what letting go actually IS
Here are a few definitions I really like:
Letting go means:
- accepting what is, instead of fighting what is.
- releasing the hope that reality will be different… so you can finally be here with your life as it is.
- when you stop rehearsing the argument with reality.
And my favourite, especially for trauma survivors:
Letting go isn’t “I don’t care.” It’s “I stop hurting myself trying to change what I can’t change.”
That’s the whole point.
Sometimes reality is one thing… and we desperately want it to be another. And that gap? That’s often where the pain lives. I wrote about this gap in the article about grieving.
Imagine you are holding something in your hand. You wish it was a diamond. Or gold. Or even just… raspberry candy 😂 But it’s a rock. And you keep holding it like: “No no no. It’s supposed to be gold. Please become gold. Why aren’t you gold? Maybe if I hold it harder… Maybe if I scream at it… Maybe if I hate it enough…”
But… it’s a rock. And it will always be. And eventually you realize: The pain isn’t only the rock. The pain is also the fight.
Letting go is when you soften your grip.
Not because the rock is okay. But because the fight is killing you. Letting go is letting the idea of gold disappear. And yes… it’s painful. Because you loved the idea of gold.
I used to hold onto something different, not a person, not a rock, but an idea.
An idea of what society should be.
I wanted a kinder, fairer world. And honestly, I still do. But I realized I wasn’t just hoping for it… I was expecting it. I wanted people to “get it” faster. I wanted change overnight. And every time reality didn’t match that vision, which was often, I felt frustrated, actually depressed, and so heartbroken.
It took me years to see I was fighting reality itself. And that fight was exhausting.
Little by little, I started accepting that society is what it is: some good, some painful, some beautiful, some messy. Not perfect. Probably never will be.
That didn’t make me cynical. It actually softened me. The frustration didn’t vanish, but it loosened. I could still care, still contribute, still hope, just without hurting myself over what I can’t control.
So what does letting go look like in practice?
Let’s say you’re in a situation where there’s nothing else you can do. Reality is reality. The person is who they are. The past is the past.
So… what now?
To me, letting go looks like this:
Step 1: Admit you’re fighting reality
This is hard because part of us thinks: “If I stop fighting, it means I’m okay with it.”
No.
It means you’re done hurting yourself.
Just name it: “I’m in a fight with reality right now.”
Step 2: Name what you feel
“I feel angry, or betrayed, or sad, powerless, grief…
Even naming it is already a form of softening.
Step 3: Let the emotion move (safely)
If it’s anger: express it safely. Scream in a pillow, hit a punching bag, stomp, journal like a maniac…
If it’s sadness: cry, listen to sad music, journal, hold yourself (literally)…
Whatever it is, let it be felt. Because letting go isn’t just mental. It’s emotional. It’s nervous system work.
Step 4: Meet reality
This is the hardest part.
It’s when you sit with it and go: “This is what it is.”
Not what you want it to be. Not what it should have been. Not what it could have been. Just… what it is.
Sometimes you can only sit near it, not with it. And that’s okay too. Sit next to it. Look at it from afar. Take breaks. Come back.
Step 5: Repeat (because it comes back!)
Letting go is not a one-time thing. It’s not one magical breath and poof you’re healed. It’s often: Letting go. Clenching again. Letting go again. Clenching again. That’s not failure. That’s human.
Step 6: Add tenderness
This is where real transformation happens. Because over time, something shifts. The expectation becomes smaller. The fight becomes quieter. Reality becomes more tolerable. And suddenly you’re holding the situation with more tenderness. Not because you “agree with it”. But because you’re not torturing yourself anymore.
Letting go isn’t glamorous. It’s actually very humble. It’s not a performance. It’s not even “strong”.
Sometimes it’s just:
the quiet moment where you stop fighting… and you finally breathe.
That’s letting go.
And always remember to breathe. One breath at a time, as you soften your grip along the way.
And if all else fails… turn on the “Let It Go” song and sing it loudly. Sometimes that counts too 🙂
🌱 If you’ve been struggling with your mental and emotional health, you’re not alone. I’m currently offering counselling sessions as a student counsellor, and I’d be honoured to support you on your path. Reach out anytime 🙂 Contact me
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